LIKE A PRO | BDSM scene negotiation

Professional Dominatrix' how-to guide to BDSM scene negotiation

Written by Seraphine Says, Melbourne Dominatrix.

Comprehensive pre-scene BDSM negotiation is essential to ensuring a happy, healthy, and satisfying play dynamic. Prior to opening my independent Melbourne play space - the Sanctuary - in 2025, I spent 8+ years as a Senior Mistress at Melbourne's Fetish House. During this time, I would provide Apprentice Mistresses in training with a list of pre-scene negotiation questions to memorise and utilise with each and every client, until these became second nature.

Now, I provide them for you too.

Whilst this list is by no means exhaustive, and will not suit everyone’s kink negotiation practice, I highly encourage you to use this is pre-scene negotiation list as a tool to finesse and build your own negotiation standards upon. Whether you’re a ProDomme, lifestyler, Dominant or submissive – refining the kink negotiation process helps maintain the safety of not only yourself, but of those you play with.

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This pre-scene negotiation how-to guide is divided into the following 6 easy to remember areas of enquiry:

Who. What. Why. How. Not. Need .

I have had great success teaching in-depth BDSM negotiation using this 6 word summary - I hope you too find it useful!

A final word before we begin...

Take this how-to as a guide, not at rule book. I warmly encourage you all to use, discard, edit and improve upon this pre-scene negotiation list as your kink journey continues – after all, best practice for play is a process of constant evolution!

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1 | W H O

Who are we playing with, in terms of previous BDSM experience?

| What general kink experience does each party have, and in what areas?

| Does this experience (or lack thereof) relate to the play at hand, and how?

This can be as brief or thorough as both parties feel necessary. For example, people in a long term play relationship (with each other!) will probably not need as in-depth a discussion as those who are playing for the first time.

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2 | W H A T 

What are our current kink interests for this scene?

| What BDSM activities are we including in our scene?

| How do these activities rank in terms of importance/necessity for the scene?

| Is there an activity of focus?

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3 | W H Y

Why these interests, why this play?

| Is there a particular cause for selecting these kink interests today?

eg: a sexy dream, inspired by a previous experience, saw others engaging in it etc.

| What is the aim for today’s play?

eg: Introducing a new activity, exploring a particular dynamic, delving deeper into a familiar activity, inducing a certain headspace or emotional state etc.

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4 | H O W

How will we approach these interests?

| What relational power exchange dynamic are we going to explore during play, if any?

eg: Mistress and pet, Dominant and submissive, Guide and initiate, Giver and receiver etc.

| Is there a particular role play that we will be exploring?

| If yes, does this role play dictate it's own inherent relation power dynamic?

| What head space dynamics are we overlaying on to this relational power exchange/role play?

eg: If Mistress and pet, is it cruel Mistress and abused pet? Aloof Mistress and obedient pet? Seductive Mistress and besotted pet? etc.

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5 | N O T

What are we not going to explore?

Negotiating scene limits in BDSM is not simply a matter of identifying what activities aren’t of interest. There are many types of boundaries involved in BDSM play that often aren’t considered until unwittingly crossed. Consider include the following types of limits in your pre-scene discussion to provide the best possible experience for all play partners.

| Activity limits

eg: no caning, no needles.

| Lifestyle / Relationship limits

eg: no marks visible if fully clothed, no kissing on the mouth.

| Bodily limits

eg: areas not to be touched, no penetration.

| Psychological limits

eg: phrases/terminology/topics of discussion to be avoided.

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6 | N E E D

What do we need to know before play begins?

| Injuries or other physical difficulties

What safety considerations need to be implemented?

How these might impact the session?

What we can do to mitigate negative impact during play?

| Medications

What do they treat?

How do they effect the body?

Do they have any contraindications?

Do they need to be on hand, and if so, how ought they be administered if needed during play?

| Medical conditions (including those not medicated for eg: vertigo, occaisional asthma etc.)

What safety considerations need to be implemented?

How these might impact the session?

What we can do to mitigate negative impact during play?

| Allergies

Is there exposure risk from BDSM equipment, safer-sex PPE consumables, cleaning products etc.?

Is this an acceptable risk, with respect to the intensity of allergic response?

| Psychological / mental health conditions

Only ask if they have any that may effect the scene, in THEIR opinion (providing an example if needed).

Don’t pry into their full history, but do listen to what they choose to share.

| Phobias or traumas

Only ask if they have any that may effect the scene, in THEIR opinion (providing an example if needed).

Don’t pry into their full history, but do listen to what they choose to share.

| Safeword, or other in-scene communications

Does the scene require a safeword, or will language be taken verbatim (eg; “no”, “stop”, “don’t”)?

Do they have an existing preferred safeword or system?

If unable to speak during play (eg; they are gagged), how else can they communicate?

| Aftercare provisions

Explain what aftercare will be on hand immediately after the scene ends,

as well as what will be available in the following days if required.

Discuss their immediate post-play aftercare needs, if known.

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A final word...

As stated before, warmly encourage you to edit and improve upon this scene negotiation structure as your play evolves - I certainly continue to do so! However it is worth remembering that whilst thorough negotiation will minimise the opportunity for in-scene frictions, the risk of this can never be completely eliminated. Even the best laid plans can take an unexpected turn, and a solid negotiation doesn't dilute the need for continued vigilance, care and conscientiousness during play.